Hope changes everything

My husband and I have been married for two months and five days. We are still madly in love and even more impressive, still actually like each other and enjoy spending time with each other. And I have yet to meet anyone who thinks there is anything wrong with that last sentence. 

The two of us were friends first, then, within weeks of dating, we both knew that the other was the person we would spend the rest of our lives with. Typical love struck humans, we started plotting our wedding. Everyone who saw us together commented on how clear it was we loved each other. I loved the comments because I do love this man, more than I have ever loved anyone. I thought it was sweet how people would smile, pat us on the back, and tell us congrats for being in love. When we actually got engaged though, the comments changed slightly. Oh, everyone was still excited for us, still commented on how clear it was we loved each other, but the undertone changed. Suddenly it was clear we really were serious about wanting to spend our life together. So what more could people do for us then to offer us advice about life, marriage, and happiness? Let me give you a short list of my favorite advice I received, not necessarily in order.

1. Enjoy the sweet part of it while it lasts.
2. Just wait, give it a few years, then see if you still can't wait to see each other at the end of the day.
3. Write down everything they promise to give you, because later they'll forget.
4. Aw, that's cute. I remember when I was that in love. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. Enjoy the freedom from each other while it lasts.
6. Enjoy the apologies while they last.
7. This will be the toughest year of your life.
8. Good luck! If you an survive the first year you can survive anything.
9. Enjoy the compliments while they last.
10. Don't forget, you don't need a man to be happy. Women are stronger without men.
11. Just wait till you fight all the time! It'll make before you got married seem perfect!

There was only about two people in the whole world who gave us advice that wasn't riddled with bitterness. So let me quickly explain my frustration. I didn't marry my best friend because I was bored, because of my age, because of convenience, because I really wanted a Keurig, or because we didn't know what else to do. This wasn't a spur of the moment action. We wanted this.  Because we believe in love and hope.

I love this man. And I'm not saying this as the newlywed who can't help herself, but as long as I live I plan to love this man. Not because I think love is something that just happens and you can't help it. I say this because after that first wave of ridiculous attraction that makes everything appear in hearts and pink, I chose to love him. And he picked me back. Every morning when I wake up, I decide to love him. I decide to put him first, to fight for him, with him. I decide that what I want or need comes after what he wants and needs.

I'm not insane. I know the unpretty side. Life will hit us. It already has in some ways. It will tell us that the other person isn't the perfect person they swore they'd be. They fail you and you fail them. This world will try to strip us of our selflessness when it comes to each other and we will be tempted to think the other person isn't giving us as much as we give them. But we both are holding to hope that we will make it through the evil of this twisted world. I have seen and experienced enough pain in this life to know nothing worth having comes easy and that I cannot afford to take happiness and love for granted. Within seconds it could disappear, whether we loose our way or we loose our life.

But do not tell me to give up hope. Do not tell me "just wait", "enjoy...while it lasts", "you're trying too hard". What happened to fighting? Next time you think the person you love, whether it's your spouse, brother, mother, or friend, has let you down, maybe you should ask how have you fought for them? I know sometimes in relationships, people do fight, only to still be told they aren't enough, and that is tragic. But for the rest of you who tell me that wanting to spend time with my husband "is nice now, but just wait, he'll drive me crazy", stop. Have hope that maybe, we will make it. Maybe we really will do our best to always give our best. Maybe we will act like 'lovey dovey' newlyweds long after you think we should. Maybe you should try that with your spouse. Maybe you should make the person in your life, who you really do love deep down, know that they are still your favorite.

Love isn't perfect and it isn't always pretty. But hope is beautiful, no matter where you find it. And I will hold to hope that this love we feel now will last. That we will remember that we can't take each other for granted. Oh we will fail at being selfless. That's the one thing we humans are good at - failing. But getting back up will be worth it and we will decide, no matter how hard or impossible it may seem, to fight back. I know I sound naive, especially to those who have lost or been through love and had it fail and believe this to be impossible. Hope changes everything though. Even allowing the harshness of life strip away the ability to sound naive. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it. So don't tell me to give up or tell me this is the best it gets. Tomorrow is a new day and I get to decide how I feel about how life turns out.

The things about this blog is it may sound stupid. But it's my heart....

There's always that moment in life, the one you never saw coming, that sweeps you off your feet so quickly you don't have time to gasp. One minute you're standing confidently, and then the next you're on your back, wind knocked out of you and head throbbing. Everyone faces moments like this. But even though we all know they're possible, none of us are ever prepared for them when they hit. Happiness and routine inspire comfort and the belief that bad things only happen to other people. You're safe. 

Someone I love has been facing the most difficult situation to ever occur in their life - where one tiny mistake has attempted to completely destroy their life. I've prayed harder than I have ever prayed, and have been overwhelmed with a fear I have never known. All the while, I attempted to have faith that God was still in control of this person's life and is bigger than the evil pain threatening them. It feels as if my knees are bloody from kneeling to pray. Here life was, moving positively with a future and outcome so easily predicted, and bam - my friend was knocked off their feet. My faith and emotions have been on a roller coaster. Until last week, when I got the most amazing peace about the whole thing which inspired these thoughts.

The thing about life is bad things happen. Life can be mostly good, but this world is full of sin, with humans who have free will. God doesn't make bad things happen, humans do. We move and try to conduct our lives the best way we can, but some are using their free will against others, hurting, bashing, destroying. But the fact that bad things happen doesn't mean that we have to be depressed. The old quote of "Life sucks, then you die", is bogus. Because beneath all the pain and torture of this world, there is immense beauty and joy. Sometimes, bad things happen. But there is too much good out there, and too big of a God, to destroy our hope for a better tomorrow. 

The thing about humans is we can't always control what happens to us. We can take precautions, and be the best we can but when the hurting, bashing, and destroying comes, sometimes we're powerless to stop it, and we can't go back and change it. That doesn't mean we're weak, or that God is weak, and it doesn't mean we should curl up and die. Pain will come to an end, and there is still beauty and joy to be had. Lack of control drives us humans crazy. But faith has the power to heal. Faith that God is in control of our lives and while he didn't cause what happened, he can help us heal and move on from it. Even if we have no idea what will happen next.

The thing about faith is it's not meant to be easy. It's far from easy, actually. God didn't create us to be robots or drones. We're so incredibly designed with a million details that sum us up that even after all the thousands and thousands of years we humans have searched, we still don't fully understand every function of the human body. It's our nature to question, our nature to demand answers. And there's nothing wrong with that. But what happens when we don't have the answers? When we don't know or understand why something has happened, our pleas for answers seem ignored, or when we don't know where our lives our going? Faith keeps us sane when the world tells us we're lost. 

The thing I learned this week is faith doesn't go unrewarded. When I was finally able to have faith that God was in control even though I don't know why this difficult situation came up or what the final outcome will be; when I wiped my eyes from all the angry tears and sighed that frustrated sigh that feels like defeat and gave every worry over to God, I was rewarded with peace of mind and the understanding that sometimes the is no answer to why things happen, and that sucks, but it's not the end. And it doesn't mean God doesn't know why or doesn't have control. I'm rambling. My point is my friend will live. Their life may drastically change, but that doesn't mean God has turned his back on them. He is still mighty and loving. He can still work this situation for good, even if the good isn't visible for years. I will still pray for my friend, and I'll admit at times, I still have a hint of fear. But my fear isn't crippling, and it's not fear of the unknown, because I know the unknown is known by God (haha follow that one!). I fear the answers and solution won't be the ones I'm looking for. Even if they're not though, God is still in control, we are still loved, there is still beauty and joy in this world, and tomorrow is a new day. 

Sometimes the impossible can happen

Every December I find myself sitting and reflecting on my year- the good, the bad, the "whoa that was crazy!" moments. Some years, remembering has been like a nightmare, while others have been dull reflections. This year though, I can't stop smiling as I remember. Not everything was perfect, or easy. But everything was good. All of it. I started this year determined to see change, even though I could never dream what phenomenal changes they would be. So much has happened, but three things led to the most amazing year of my life. 

One change that happened was all due to a little boy named Tobias. I had no idea the human heart was capable of so much love for someone so new. He was so small, so beautiful, my little nephew. The second I met him, I cried, because that's how I roll, but I also pulled a grinch. My heart felt like it grew three sizes that day. It's hard to believe the little tyke is almost a year old! My world is so much sunnier with his little smile. If you have nieces or nephews, you know that nothing makes you feel more accepted then the love of someone your siblings blessed the world with. 

The second thing that happened seemed slightly complicated at first. I took a look at my life, the humans in it, and determined who it was that influenced me both good and bad. And then for the first time in my life, I decided to love who I was. No matter what was said. I decided I had to chose who I wanted to be, I couldn't let others decide for me, or define me. Christ defines me. And he thinks I'm a masterpiece. This hasn't been easy. It's hard to see yourself in a positive light when you've always seen negative, and when others try to tell you that you have no worth. It seemed so many who loved me told me I was not good, I was not wanted or loved, and when I was loved, it wasn't worth it for them. How cold of a person must someone be to take every insecurity you have and tell you that you were right to have them? What's interesting is once I started to look closer I realized it's not coldness, but being so lost and against their own selves that makes them so negative. Then I didn't pity myself or have bitterness, I just felt pity for them. And what's more - the negative humans in life aren't numerous, they're just louder. When I really examined who was in my life, the humans who loved me just seemed to grow! The number was so much greater then I thought. I am beautiful, loved, loving, generous, quirky, loyal, and a blessing to so many. It's important to remember who we truly are, and not what people say we should be or say we aren't. And removing the negative humans from being able to influence me changed my life.

The third thing that changed everything, shocker, was Brad. This boy who was my friend, who was off limits and not someone I thought anything could ever happen with, came out of no where and blew me away. He has taught me to love again, myself and others. He has made me into one of the girls I always envied and despised, who is sappy, ridiculously starry eyed, and constantly boasting about him. It's not that I want to flaunt what I have, it's that I can't help but exclaim who he is- an amazing human who is so gracious to loving to all. I have never loved a human so fiercely as I have loved him. And I never believed I could be so loved as he has loved me. It hasn't been perfect or always easy, but oddly that's why it is perfect, at least for us. 

All of this as shown me things can change for the better and that sometimes the impossible can happen.....At this point I feel like I'm just babbling. And I'm sure it's boring. But this year, this beautiful, imperfect, challenging and changing year that had flown by is almost over. As amazing as its been, I'm not sorry to see it go. I am just super excited to see where next year will go, and to experience what blessings and changes are in store! Merry Christmas, and truly, Happy New Year!

This isn't really about crying, it's about witnessing capital "A" Awesomeness

I cry a lot.

Seriously. It's seems to be something that just gets worse the older I get. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when someone close to me is happy or sad, when something that has nothing to do with me or anyone I know might make someone somewhere sad. I mean, really, it gets ridiculous at times. Which is just really sad (don't worry, this isn't going to make me cry) because I seriously despise crying. It makes your face all blotchy and red and then your nose gets runny and stuffy and you can't breathe. It's frustrating. And wet.

But there are some moments when I don't mind crying. Have you ever felt so lucky, or blessed, that you just want to cry? Not the "I'm so tired and overly emotional" type of tears, but the happy "Life is grand!" (No, I am not Irish, Bradley!) type of tears, know what I mean? I tend to be overwhelmed by the blessings in my life, especially lately. For example, when I think about how close all my siblings and I have become this year, I can get a little teary eyed. Or when I think about how amazing, sweet and caring Brad is to me when I'm a complete mess, or when he kisses the top of my head and tells me he loves me so much, I feel my eyes tingle. Or when my dear friends, who have been so supportive of me the past six crazy months, tell me how much I mean to them, I have to blink a few times to shake it off. Those are beautiful moments, and the tiny or gigantic amount of tears that may pop out of my eyes are okay by me.

But you want to know what moments really overwhelm me? Every Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. I get to be a part of the lives of some of the most amazing students in the world. No, that's not an exaggeration. I work with the 5th through 8th graders at my church. These kids have my heart. I would do anything short of committing a crime for them. And even then, if it came down to rescuing them from peril, I'd consider it! I love these students. These are the humans I pray for and worry about, the ones I try to be my best for and pray that I always encourage them to be Christ-loving-and-following humans.

Now, I don't want you to get the wrong idea that I'm a joyfully weeping mess every weekend. But when I witness students who hated God come to know Christ, or even just see students respect each other and pray for each other, or just get to be near the positive  life changing moments they experience, BAM! Color me overwhelmed, and at times, that makes me teary. It's just so amazing that most of them still see the world without the bitterness of life, and the ones who have experienced the horrors this world has to offer still are willing to find happiness again. They're willing to trust that Christ can heal. I love it! More often then not I learn more from them then they do from me!

I don't know how I got so lucky to be a part of these kids lives, why in the world God would say "I think you'd be great to work here!", but I've been blessed, and continue to be so every weekend, every weekday. This blog post isn't really about crying (which I'm fluent in), it's about witnessing capital "A" Awesomeness in the lives of students. It's about bragging that I get to be a part of something amazing because I spend time with students between the ages of 10 and 14 every weekend and when I'm lucky, the week days too! And I hope that never changes.

Just call me Mona Lisa

How do you define yourself? Is it by what you have or haven't accomplished? By who you know or where you've been? Is it by what others say about you?

I'm notorious for defining myself by my mistakes and the negative words of others. I'm a majorly flawed human being and when other humans point that out, it speaks to every insecurity I have. Of course I'm not great, beautiful, funny, or a good friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend. How could I be when I'm so imperfect? These people who lash out words are just trying to protect me, show me what's true. When I define myself by other's negative words, I assume that they're the majority. That they know best. After all, these aren't just negative words of strangers, these are the negative words of people who love me.

This about the time I crawl into a hole of depression and start to doubt that I'm lovable. What's funny is I am lovable, adored, revered even. Oh, I'm still flawed to no end, but the humans who really matter see past my flaws, or forgive me for them. 

I've spent the last several months letting the words of others eat me alive. I had failed one person, and every time I saw them and they looked right past me, or rolled their eyes at me, or gave me the cold shoulder, I flung back to the words said, how this person saw no good in me. I tried to stay out of the way, to not talk to them so they wouldn't feel burdened by me, and when I did have to, I was polite, trying to make them comfortable. But it still wasn't enough. I still had failed and was not worthy of forgiveness. I was still worthless in this person's eyes. One of the things I pride myself on is being a great friend. Serving others in my passion. If I can make other humans happy, then I'm happy. But this person told me I wasn't a good friend. And I believed them. 

At NewSpring, my church, the current topic is Friends. What makes a good friend. Our pastor talked about what a true friend is: someone who is happy for their friends when they get something you wanted, someone who always defends even when others are against. I realized that the people who claimed to love me and were telling me negative things didn't really know me, or love me at all. They weren't true friends, and I was giving them power. This person who pointed out all my insecurities as dooming flaws, the people in my past who always aimed to destroy rather than build up, I was giving them power they never deserved or had the right to have.There are times that friends have had to tell me "Meg, we're worried about you and the choices you're making" but the difference between that and this person I had failed, and people like them in the past is love. Love forgives, love is patient and kind. The humans in my life who matter, who's words are allowed to hold weight are the ones who love me regardless of who I am any given day. 

But something God, yes God, has been whispering to me the past couple days is that HE is the one I should measure myself by. Not my flaws, my mistakes, not my accomplishments or even the people who love me. It's by him. In this handy little thing I have called the bible, there's this book I adore called Ephesians. And in Ephesians 2:10 it says "For we our God's masterpiece. He created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." 

WHOA. Masterpiece. Yikes. In the dictionary, the definition of masterpiece is "a person's greatest piece of work". Greatest. As in best. I'm a freakin masterpiece. That means my flaws, my imperfections? Are simply my own point of view, or other negative people views, of God's greatest piece of work. That's like telling Da Vinci "Um that painting, the Mona Lisa? Yeah it's flawed. I don't like it." and letting that determine it's worth despite the fact that so many more adore it. That Da Vinci himself thought it was great. And maybe he didn't but the point is this, I'm God's Mona Lisa. I'm a masterpiece. I will always be a failure in some humans' eyes, worthless in others. I will always make mistakes and always be flawed. But I'm also an amazing human being, full of love and laughter and so many amazing things. I refuse to allow others to determine my worth, my identity, and my happiness. I am me. Just call me Mona Lisa.