My husband and I have been married for two months and five days. We are still madly in love and even more impressive, still actually like each other and enjoy spending time with each other. And I have yet to meet anyone who thinks there is anything wrong with that last sentence.
The two of us were friends first, then, within weeks of dating, we both knew that the other was the person we would spend the rest of our lives with. Typical love struck humans, we started plotting our wedding. Everyone who saw us together commented on how clear it was we loved each other. I loved the comments because I do love this man, more than I have ever loved anyone. I thought it was sweet how people would smile, pat us on the back, and tell us congrats for being in love. When we actually got engaged though, the comments changed slightly. Oh, everyone was still excited for us, still commented on how clear it was we loved each other, but the undertone changed. Suddenly it was clear we really were serious about wanting to spend our life together. So what more could people do for us then to offer us advice about life, marriage, and happiness? Let me give you a short list of my favorite advice I received, not necessarily in order.
1. Enjoy the sweet part of it while it lasts.
2. Just wait, give it a few years, then see if you still can't wait to see each other at the end of the day.
3. Write down everything they promise to give you, because later they'll forget.
4. Aw, that's cute. I remember when I was that in love. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. Enjoy the freedom from each other while it lasts.
6. Enjoy the apologies while they last.
7. This will be the toughest year of your life.
8. Good luck! If you an survive the first year you can survive anything.
9. Enjoy the compliments while they last.
10. Don't forget, you don't need a man to be happy. Women are stronger without men.
11. Just wait till you fight all the time! It'll make before you got married seem perfect!
There was only about two people in the whole world who gave us advice that wasn't riddled with bitterness. So let me quickly explain my frustration. I didn't marry my best friend because I was bored, because of my age, because of convenience, because I really wanted a Keurig, or because we didn't know what else to do. This wasn't a spur of the moment action. We wanted this. Because we believe in love and hope.
I love this man. And I'm not saying this as the newlywed who can't help herself, but as long as I live I plan to love this man. Not because I think love is something that just happens and you can't help it. I say this because after that first wave of ridiculous attraction that makes everything appear in hearts and pink, I chose to love him. And he picked me back. Every morning when I wake up, I decide to love him. I decide to put him first, to fight for him, with him. I decide that what I want or need comes after what he wants and needs.
I'm not insane. I know the unpretty side. Life will hit us. It already has in some ways. It will tell us that the other person isn't the perfect person they swore they'd be. They fail you and you fail them. This world will try to strip us of our selflessness when it comes to each other and we will be tempted to think the other person isn't giving us as much as we give them. But we both are holding to hope that we will make it through the evil of this twisted world. I have seen and experienced enough pain in this life to know nothing worth having comes easy and that I cannot afford to take happiness and love for granted. Within seconds it could disappear, whether we loose our way or we loose our life.
But do not tell me to give up hope. Do not tell me "just wait", "enjoy...while it lasts", "you're trying too hard". What happened to fighting? Next time you think the person you love, whether it's your spouse, brother, mother, or friend, has let you down, maybe you should ask how have you fought for them? I know sometimes in relationships, people do fight, only to still be told they aren't enough, and that is tragic. But for the rest of you who tell me that wanting to spend time with my husband "is nice now, but just wait, he'll drive me crazy", stop. Have hope that maybe, we will make it. Maybe we really will do our best to always give our best. Maybe we will act like 'lovey dovey' newlyweds long after you think we should. Maybe you should try that with your spouse. Maybe you should make the person in your life, who you really do love deep down, know that they are still your favorite.
Love isn't perfect and it isn't always pretty. But hope is beautiful, no matter where you find it. And I will hold to hope that this love we feel now will last. That we will remember that we can't take each other for granted. Oh we will fail at being selfless. That's the one thing we humans are good at - failing. But getting back up will be worth it and we will decide, no matter how hard or impossible it may seem, to fight back. I know I sound naive, especially to those who have lost or been through love and had it fail and believe this to be impossible. Hope changes everything though. Even allowing the harshness of life strip away the ability to sound naive. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it. So don't tell me to give up or tell me this is the best it gets. Tomorrow is a new day and I get to decide how I feel about how life turns out.
The two of us were friends first, then, within weeks of dating, we both knew that the other was the person we would spend the rest of our lives with. Typical love struck humans, we started plotting our wedding. Everyone who saw us together commented on how clear it was we loved each other. I loved the comments because I do love this man, more than I have ever loved anyone. I thought it was sweet how people would smile, pat us on the back, and tell us congrats for being in love. When we actually got engaged though, the comments changed slightly. Oh, everyone was still excited for us, still commented on how clear it was we loved each other, but the undertone changed. Suddenly it was clear we really were serious about wanting to spend our life together. So what more could people do for us then to offer us advice about life, marriage, and happiness? Let me give you a short list of my favorite advice I received, not necessarily in order.
1. Enjoy the sweet part of it while it lasts.
2. Just wait, give it a few years, then see if you still can't wait to see each other at the end of the day.
3. Write down everything they promise to give you, because later they'll forget.
4. Aw, that's cute. I remember when I was that in love. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. Enjoy the freedom from each other while it lasts.
6. Enjoy the apologies while they last.
7. This will be the toughest year of your life.
8. Good luck! If you an survive the first year you can survive anything.
9. Enjoy the compliments while they last.
10. Don't forget, you don't need a man to be happy. Women are stronger without men.
11. Just wait till you fight all the time! It'll make before you got married seem perfect!
There was only about two people in the whole world who gave us advice that wasn't riddled with bitterness. So let me quickly explain my frustration. I didn't marry my best friend because I was bored, because of my age, because of convenience, because I really wanted a Keurig, or because we didn't know what else to do. This wasn't a spur of the moment action. We wanted this. Because we believe in love and hope.
I love this man. And I'm not saying this as the newlywed who can't help herself, but as long as I live I plan to love this man. Not because I think love is something that just happens and you can't help it. I say this because after that first wave of ridiculous attraction that makes everything appear in hearts and pink, I chose to love him. And he picked me back. Every morning when I wake up, I decide to love him. I decide to put him first, to fight for him, with him. I decide that what I want or need comes after what he wants and needs.
I'm not insane. I know the unpretty side. Life will hit us. It already has in some ways. It will tell us that the other person isn't the perfect person they swore they'd be. They fail you and you fail them. This world will try to strip us of our selflessness when it comes to each other and we will be tempted to think the other person isn't giving us as much as we give them. But we both are holding to hope that we will make it through the evil of this twisted world. I have seen and experienced enough pain in this life to know nothing worth having comes easy and that I cannot afford to take happiness and love for granted. Within seconds it could disappear, whether we loose our way or we loose our life.
But do not tell me to give up hope. Do not tell me "just wait", "enjoy...while it lasts", "you're trying too hard". What happened to fighting? Next time you think the person you love, whether it's your spouse, brother, mother, or friend, has let you down, maybe you should ask how have you fought for them? I know sometimes in relationships, people do fight, only to still be told they aren't enough, and that is tragic. But for the rest of you who tell me that wanting to spend time with my husband "is nice now, but just wait, he'll drive me crazy", stop. Have hope that maybe, we will make it. Maybe we really will do our best to always give our best. Maybe we will act like 'lovey dovey' newlyweds long after you think we should. Maybe you should try that with your spouse. Maybe you should make the person in your life, who you really do love deep down, know that they are still your favorite.
Love isn't perfect and it isn't always pretty. But hope is beautiful, no matter where you find it. And I will hold to hope that this love we feel now will last. That we will remember that we can't take each other for granted. Oh we will fail at being selfless. That's the one thing we humans are good at - failing. But getting back up will be worth it and we will decide, no matter how hard or impossible it may seem, to fight back. I know I sound naive, especially to those who have lost or been through love and had it fail and believe this to be impossible. Hope changes everything though. Even allowing the harshness of life strip away the ability to sound naive. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it. So don't tell me to give up or tell me this is the best it gets. Tomorrow is a new day and I get to decide how I feel about how life turns out.
