Just call me Mona Lisa

How do you define yourself? Is it by what you have or haven't accomplished? By who you know or where you've been? Is it by what others say about you?

I'm notorious for defining myself by my mistakes and the negative words of others. I'm a majorly flawed human being and when other humans point that out, it speaks to every insecurity I have. Of course I'm not great, beautiful, funny, or a good friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend. How could I be when I'm so imperfect? These people who lash out words are just trying to protect me, show me what's true. When I define myself by other's negative words, I assume that they're the majority. That they know best. After all, these aren't just negative words of strangers, these are the negative words of people who love me.

This about the time I crawl into a hole of depression and start to doubt that I'm lovable. What's funny is I am lovable, adored, revered even. Oh, I'm still flawed to no end, but the humans who really matter see past my flaws, or forgive me for them. 

I've spent the last several months letting the words of others eat me alive. I had failed one person, and every time I saw them and they looked right past me, or rolled their eyes at me, or gave me the cold shoulder, I flung back to the words said, how this person saw no good in me. I tried to stay out of the way, to not talk to them so they wouldn't feel burdened by me, and when I did have to, I was polite, trying to make them comfortable. But it still wasn't enough. I still had failed and was not worthy of forgiveness. I was still worthless in this person's eyes. One of the things I pride myself on is being a great friend. Serving others in my passion. If I can make other humans happy, then I'm happy. But this person told me I wasn't a good friend. And I believed them. 

At NewSpring, my church, the current topic is Friends. What makes a good friend. Our pastor talked about what a true friend is: someone who is happy for their friends when they get something you wanted, someone who always defends even when others are against. I realized that the people who claimed to love me and were telling me negative things didn't really know me, or love me at all. They weren't true friends, and I was giving them power. This person who pointed out all my insecurities as dooming flaws, the people in my past who always aimed to destroy rather than build up, I was giving them power they never deserved or had the right to have.There are times that friends have had to tell me "Meg, we're worried about you and the choices you're making" but the difference between that and this person I had failed, and people like them in the past is love. Love forgives, love is patient and kind. The humans in my life who matter, who's words are allowed to hold weight are the ones who love me regardless of who I am any given day. 

But something God, yes God, has been whispering to me the past couple days is that HE is the one I should measure myself by. Not my flaws, my mistakes, not my accomplishments or even the people who love me. It's by him. In this handy little thing I have called the bible, there's this book I adore called Ephesians. And in Ephesians 2:10 it says "For we our God's masterpiece. He created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." 

WHOA. Masterpiece. Yikes. In the dictionary, the definition of masterpiece is "a person's greatest piece of work". Greatest. As in best. I'm a freakin masterpiece. That means my flaws, my imperfections? Are simply my own point of view, or other negative people views, of God's greatest piece of work. That's like telling Da Vinci "Um that painting, the Mona Lisa? Yeah it's flawed. I don't like it." and letting that determine it's worth despite the fact that so many more adore it. That Da Vinci himself thought it was great. And maybe he didn't but the point is this, I'm God's Mona Lisa. I'm a masterpiece. I will always be a failure in some humans' eyes, worthless in others. I will always make mistakes and always be flawed. But I'm also an amazing human being, full of love and laughter and so many amazing things. I refuse to allow others to determine my worth, my identity, and my happiness. I am me. Just call me Mona Lisa.